Day ELEVEN

Oh to experience the joys of alcohol again...


I received my first pay from my new job, and how beautiful it does look sitting in my bank account. Such a shame it's going all to bills and debts. There should be a finance control class in high school. I'm sure there are many who would say that it should be up to the parents to teach their children how to responsibly handle their money, but unfortunately it just isn't always that easy.


My mother has a tight hold of her money and is excellent at saving. She tried to pass on her knowledge and wisdom to my brother and I but unfortunately we both failed miserably.


Had there have been a class, well I can't say with confidence that my life would be dramatically different but I do believe it could have helped having the information drummed into my for at least an hour a week.


Being my eleventh day of no drinking, I'm counting down with anticipation to the day I can say I'm half-way there.


On the 30th of this month, which will be day 30 of no drinking.... well... that night I will be drinking.
Halloween party, I figure I never said 30 days AND nights, I can't wait to let my hair down!

Day SIX

Oh what I would give for just one glass of anything right now. After six days I'm ready to crave. Is that sad and pathetic, or merely the simple itch of my subconscious doubting me? I've often heard many smokers say that day three was their hardest, and I'm hoping this is a similar hurdle. I'm hoping that once I've gotten past this first feeling of 'I can't do it' everything will be okay.


I'm just feeling so irritated right now. The boyfriend has a cold beer in his hand, the fridge has cold beer on it's shelves.. and I have nothing. A craving for alcohol, the need to self-indulge on junk food to compensate and the head and temper of a demon. Six days.. I just can't get over how down in the dumps I'm feeling over this. Anyone would think the drink was my life.


Me not drinking serves no real purpose, other than to mostly prove to myself that I can do this. I don't need to drink to relax or have a good time or to socialize. 


I think all in all I'm just generally feeling run down at the moment. I've started a new full time job where I'm stood up all day and I'm not used to that, I've increased my exercise by a thousand percent and I'm just tired and whiney and in normal circumstances it would be right about *now* that I would have the drink in my hand to soothe my worries.


Quit my whining I must.

Day FOUR

Today is one of the days I feared would come along in an attempt to derail me. Why is that whenever something suddenly turns to shit my first thought is of pouring a glass of alcohol. My mind seems to be stuck on a loop where it believe the only solution to any problem is getting drunk. At the moment I'm fighting back tears of frustration and I would give my right arm to feel that placid, tipsy sensation that more than just a few drinks brings without fail. You can't always rely on stability, but you can always rely on knowing that drinking will lead to drunkenness which will lead to hopefully forgetting your problems.


I am constantly in debt, chasing debtors to update my accounts or being chased by debtors to make a start on an account. When I wasn't working Centrelink made an error of paying me too much money in my account. They assumed I was going to claim for a partner when in fact I never did. I never requested the money they gave me. The last thing I need to be doing is screwing the government over for money I don't have.


So now I'm expected to not only pay them $1500 for their error, but they expect me to pay the amount in full, immediately. In full my ass... They threatened that if I don't pay up by the required date they would take money from my employer. Can they do that? I don't feel I should owe them any money for their blatant fuck up, but at the very least if I do have to pay them, surely they can't force to pay it all in once? Surely I can pay it in blocks? I need to pay rent, bills, I own a car which I'm paying off... I thought Centrelink were supposed to be there to assist and provide? Now that I have a job it's as though they just want to fuck me in my ass.


God I'm so frustrated. I'm tired of owing money all the time.


So it's not even lunch time and this is day four.
So much for enjoying my day off, I desperately need a drink...

Day THREE

Last night I was intently thinking about my 'thirty days' decision. I love the idea of what I'm doing, if not for any other reason than it's entertainment for myself... I don't do much in my life that's different. I seem to have less and less exciting stories as the months and years go by and by doing this I somehow feel as though I'm doing something. I can see how this is a laughable thing to say, I'm not stupid. At the end of the day though I suppose what's most important in my life is how I feel, right?


So back on track.. what I had been thinking about last night was how small a task this will seem to many people.
I can hear it now...


Ooo 30 days without a drop of alcohol, don't hurt yourself while contributing so largely to humanity honey.


I doubt so much of what I do. I try and witness all of my own actions from various point of views, and through many different minds. It's so important to me to be self aware, but often times I struggle to find that happy medium between being the self aware person I aim for, and just being plain self-loathsome.


God I'm crapping on.


This is what happens....


Last night my boyfriend bought a new kind of vodka. My God it smelled so sweet, so delicious, so tempting...


He asked me if I wanted just a little sip to taste it. At first I thought why not? It couldn't hurt. But after thirty seconds of fast and furious deliberation inside of my mind I decided against it. One little taste would send me over the edge and I knew there would have been no turning back. I would have woken up this morning in desperate need of panadol and a cold wet flannel on my forehead.


Normally I crave so easily and readily for a drink.
Quite possibly sadly, I don't think I've ever been this strong willed in my life!


Good mental exercise?
I don't know.


Time to think about dinner.

Day TWO

It's a Saturday night and I'm not getting up to much. The boyfriend has his son around, and he's having a few drinks (the boyfriend, not the son!).. and I'm quite content to be chilling out with my bottle of coke. It just feels like tomorrow is a day off work rather than a weekend if that makes sense.


I've now told quite a few people that I'm doing this, and they all seem to ask the same, natural question. Why?
I suppose I don't have a straight answer for it. Because I feel like it? I'm detoxing? I don't know.. It's just something I feel like doing.


Although I would love at least just one glass of wine right now, I'm too tired to care.


So far so good.

Day ONE

So day one is off to a bit of a rough start. Came home from work throwing up, but am feeling somewhat better now. At least on this Friday evening it leaves me with absolutely no temptation to drink.


In the fridge there is wine and beer. Already I can tell, that by simply just knowing I can't have alcohol, I'm going to want it even more. It's my liquid courage, my social lubricant. That's not a good thing. I mean, I see nothing wrong with drinking (in moderation of course)... however, some days I find myself drinking just to be more social, or feel more confident and that's where I see the problem. I shouldn't need a drink for these things.


I can be a shy person at time when I'm around new people and it's almost like a safety net for me to have a glass of bourbon in my hand. It's not for the reason of 'blaming the alcohol'. I'm not afraid I'm going to do something to humiliate myself. I just battle to come out of my shell during some occasions.


Anyway, I have work tomorrow morning and that combined with my earlier sessions of stomach upheaval have made day one of this journey much easier for me. The thought of this process still has me shaking in my boots though.

The beginning of the end...

Okay, so this being the beginning of the end might be a slight exaggeration.. but if you knew  me on a personal level you would most definitely see where I'm coming from. I've described this blog as the trial and error on my search for health. I don't know if it's really that simple, or exactly the purpose of what I'm doing but for the life of me I couldn't think of another way to sum it up.


Pretty much, I'm going to be trialling different things for thirty days at a time.


Trialling what exactly?


Well my first month will be alcohol free. Thirty days without a sip of wine, bourbon, beer or rum. Anything. Nothing. Zippo alcohol for Miss Vicky-Marie. There has been many a night I've gone out with the proclamation that I will not be drinking alcohol. I can tell you it's needless to say that those words were always proven to be a lie; literally 100% of the time.


Before I go on, other things I will be trialling are no meat, no carbs, stretching for an hour a day, eating a completely organic diet.... some things are stupid little ideas I had just to see how it goes, other things I've chosen because I want to see how my health and body will change (and hopefully improve).


My personal ban on alcohol starts this Friday. It will be the 1st of October. I chose the 1st day of the month for my own convenience really.. otherwise my hopeless memory will find me lost as to how many days I've gone through Hell. No, I shouldn't say that. My body will love me for a month away from alcohol. I'm just not sure if my mind will.


So I'm sipping a wine now, and will probably update tomorrow for my last day of allowing precious alcohol to slip past my soon to be craving lips.